One Alligator Too Many
by DarknessintheCorners
Summary: Our Resident Sociopath tracks down Alex Wesker. THIS IS PARODY/HUMOUR. CRACK FIC. DO NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY. I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND. THIS IS ALSO SLASH. M/M RELATIONSHIPS. DON'T LIKE? DON'T READ!


**One Alligator too many**

**Summary:**Basically… Our resident mass murdering sociopath tracks down Alex Wesker in the swamps of Alabama.

**Warning: THIS IS CRACK. PARODY, HUMOUR… CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL… IT'S MEANT TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM RELATED TO CANON. THIS IS ALSO SLASH. M/M RELATIONSHIPS. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT. I ALSO DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE. THIS IS JUST THE STEREOTYPICAL VIEW OF REDNECK HILLBILLY'S WHERE I COME FROM. IT IS ALSO UN-BETA'D BECAUSE I HONESTLY COULD NOT BE BOTHERED TO BETA IT. PLEASE, DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY... **

**Disclaimer:**Don't own. Don't sue. Sorted.

**Rating:** NC-17/M. There is a bit of a sex scene in it.

**A/N:**This came about after a conversation about Alex Wesker in college… it was fairly normal until we came about the prospect of hillbilly's and then voila… This was born. I also looked up whether there were alligators or crocodiles in Alabama and it came up with a website about Alligators in Alabama… that was good enough for me.

**__****RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE**  


Albert Wesker, dressed in his finest leather (he wanted to make a good impression to the brother he had never met), walked up to the shoddy cabin in the middle of the swamp in Alabama, warily eyeing the alligators that hissed at him as he walked past. He looked up at the shack and frowned. Is this where his brother, that he hoped would help him in his quest for world domination, lived? He hoped that this was a joke. Eyeing the Alligator again, he walked up the rickety steps and knocked tentatively on the door, unclipping the latch that held his gun in place… He wanted to be able to grab it in case someone or some_thing_ tried anything. He looked around again, taking in his surroundings and mentally mapping the place out in case he needed to make a quick getaway. He heard the door opening behind him and looked at who had greeted him. He felt sick.

"Well Howdee brother. Glad you could make it!" A slack jawed; scruff of a man greeted him. He had a dirty face, and smelt like he had never used a shower. His dungarees were covered in dirt and slime and he was wearing a dirty white undershirt beneath it. His breath smelt rotten and he had several teeth missing. The only resemblance between them both was the colour of their hair. While Wesker's was clean, straight and carefully gelled in perfect place, this person's was out of place, unkempt and certainly had not seen a hair brush or hair product in its life.

"And… You are?" Wesker asked in his impeccable voice, reaching for his gun yet again. He had hoped this was not a joke, because if it was a certain brunette, by the name of Chris Redfield, would be getting it in the neck.

"Why I'm your kid brother! Lil' Alex Wesker" He gave a gap-toothed grin which made Wesker grimace. Alex held out a hand for Wesker to shake, they had was dirty as well as the fingernails. Wesker didn't held take the hand and Alex pulled back. "Well, come in, I'll show you to the 'wife' and kids" Alex put a dirty hand on Wesker's shoulder and pushed him in. The sociopath resisted, but only barely, to whip out his gun and point it at Alex's head. He walked into the main sitting room and found a dirty brunette, strangely resembling the one he left behind, sitting on a worn chair, holding a shotgun. "This" Alex pointed at the man in the corner "is the wife, Chrissie and that beauty that he his holding is our baby girl Bessie" Wesker looked skeptical.

"Well hiya. Nice to meet you brother" 'Chrissie' warbled, stroking the gun as if it was real.

"Hello…" Wesker drawled. "Alex… I was told that you are my brother. And looking at you… I'm not sure we are related" Wesker jumped as he heard the unmistakable hiss of an Alligator. He pulled out his gun and pointed it at the Alligator, but lowered it when Alex jumped in front of him.

"Whoa, now… That's just our pet, Hissy, he won't bite cha… He's just not too fond of people" Alex explained, Wesker raised an eyebrow.

"You have a pet alligator… Okay… Now I'm convinced. You are definitely not my brother." Wesker turned on his heel and went to walk out the door. He was stopped when he felt a dirty hand grab his leather.

"Now, wait a sec. We are brothers… We were birthed together. Look, I'll prove it" he went to the dresser and pulled out a picture. Wesker looked at Chrissie who smiled. "Here" Alex thrust a picture in his face, which made Wesker take a step back and take the picture by the corner, and hold it at a distance. He frowned at the picture. How the hell had this man got a picture, of what was supposed to be him, as a baby. "Believe me now?" Alex said.

"Hm… Well… I can't prove it, due to myself not owning any baby pictures" Wesker stated. Alex glared at him and moved so the Alligator could have better access to his throat should he need it. He doubted that He could kill the Alligator before they killed him. "Okay, okay… I believe you. Now... the reasoning behind my visit is thus. I wanted-" he was cut off by Alex's voice.

"Shucks… Where are my manners… Would you like something to drink?" Alex asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Uh… do you have clean dishes?" Wesker asked.

"Heh, no. We don't have running water. If we used it we can reuse it again and again" Alex said, he gave another gap toothed grin making Wesker grimace again. "I uh… also wanted to introduce you to my best friend… but you can't tell the wife" He got closer to Wesker, the stench of his breath making his resist the urge to retch. He grinned again and pulled out a sock, which was covered in some questionable content.

"Your… Sock… is your best friend?" He asked. Moving away.

"Yup! Me and him go way back" Alex said.

"And I can't tell the wife… why?" Wesker inquired.

"Cuz he won't understand why we're friends" Alex whispered. Wesker nodded. He didn't want to go into this conversation any deeper… He didn't think he would like the outcome.

"I see" He said, raising an impeccable eyebrow.

"So… You want a drink?" He asked. Wesker shook his head. Alex shrugged and walked into the room, crossed it and went and gave Chrissie a sloppy kiss that was all tongues and teeth and saliva. Wesker shuddered and gave a loud and obvious cough.

"Well… I best be off. Have things to do" Wesker turned and went to go out the door when he was interrupted again.

"Wait… didn't you have a question?" Alex asked, standing up, taking the shotgun from Chrissie and started to stroke it, facing Wesker.

"Uh, well yes… But it seems to have been answered. I don't think you would be a good candidate for someone to stand by my side and take complete control of the world. I bid you good day and if we don't ever see each other again… It will be too soon" with that, he walked out the door and towards the helicopter he had waiting for them.

_**RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE**_

Wesker walked in the apartment that he had on the base. Chris was already waiting for him there. He got up and walked over to the blonde wanting to greet him and see how it went, and possibly a kiss… all he got was a punch in the face, knocking him onto sofa.

"I take it, it didn't go too well then?" Chris asked rubbing his jaw.

"No, it did not Chris. They were fucking Hillbilly's! and for some reason… this Alex had a 'wife' called Chrissie who looked a lot like you, a daughter that was actually a shotgun called Bessie and a pet Alligator called Hissy" Wesker fumed and threw himself down next to Chris on the sofa. He sighed "Cheer me up" it was more of a command rather than a question.

"Wesker, I am not having sex with you after you punched me" Chris said, Wesker glared at him, and sat up slightly.

"Fine. A blowjob then" Wesker said through gritted teeth. Chris sighed and moved so he was in between Wesker's legs and unzipped his trousers, pulling them down and releasing the other mans member. Wesker grinned evilly. Chris placed his mouth over the head and blew it slightly, using his hand to go up and down the shaft, rubbing and blowing it to hardness. He licked his lips to moisten them and then took all of Wesker into his mouth, he swallowed to get down further, bringing his hand to cup his balls. Wesker let out an appreciative moan, and bucked up to get Chris to move up and down. He did. He started sucking, hollowing out his cheeks to create more suction. He moved to the tip and licked the leaking head there. Before engulfing him yet again, sucking harder and more enthusiastically trying to get Wesker off as soon as possible. After about 5 minutes of switching between sucking and using his hand to jerk him off. Wesker felt his balls tighten. He grabbed the back of Chris' head and forced himself into Chris's mouth, making him take him all in and continued thrusting until he was shooting his load into Chris's throat, he didn't let up until he had known he had swallowed and let Chris get up. He stood up and pulled up his trousers and did them up, looking down at Chris on the floor with flushed cheeks, he grinned picking him up and taking him to the bedroom.

"W-wait! Where are we going?" Chris asked as he was dragged towards the room.

"I'm horny. And Pissed off, and somehow… this is your entire fault" Wesker grinned. Chris sighed and resigned himself to his fate… No matter how much he said no, Wesker would always find a way to get what he wants.

**_End. _**

**_A.N: _**_I hope you liked it! I don't intend to offend anybody in the slightest, i honestly don't. I really don't want you to take this seriously as well. It's not meant to be taken seriously that's why it's **PARODY **and **HUMOUR! **So please... Take that into consideration. _

_Whew... Sorry about that... Anyway, leave a review telling me what you thought and I'll respond with Cyber!Cookies! _


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